One of the first things to cross my mind when reflecting on my time in Afghanistan is, "as a nation, we've been there before". Now, I'm not referring to the Soviet conflict where we helped train and arm the Mujahideen with the Pakistani ISI and other agencies with similar interests. I'm referring to the initial invasion of the North American continent, what we now call the United States.
It took many years for me to go back and confront some of the deeper realizations of my experiences in Afghanistan. It took going to college and learning to articulate my experiences and living in a very supportive community that listens.
Ultimately, I had to go back and face the facts: we, as a nation, are still erasing indigenous peoples and cultures to this day, in the name of freedom - and I had played a roll in this history of culture assassination. There is no difference between the erasing of the Lakota nation through framing them as 'terrorist' and the daily destruction of the Pashtun culture in Afghanistan, in an attempt to transplant democracy.
I spoke with many afghans there and here in the states, and the general consensus is the tribe never asked for our uniquely American brand of democracy; the tribe has it's own system of government.
Some people say this is what I get for trying to rationalize an irrational situation, but to me it's much more. I now view my past warmongering as a mental health issue and think we as a nation are mentally ill.
It's not all doom and gloom though, behavioral disorders can be corrected if we'll just acknowledge our behavior. I did it on a personal level and I think as a nation, we can do the same.
As a child I was taught war games and I've played those games for most of my 28 year life. This is why I deeply value my 3 tours in Operation Enduring Freedom. As Sgt. George, I gained an understanding of life outside the box I was raised in.
Until recently, I was always the cowboy - but now, I will forever be the Indian.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Robocop: the Desensitizer
Sometimes it takes a small set back to personally illustrate how much one changes. Mental back tracking can be a very positive thing when viewed this way. It reveals the slow transformations that often go unnoticed.
I must have watched Robocop over twenty times as a kid and the memories were nothing but cool. Well, we finished up a lively event the other night and were wide awake when we got back to the house, so we decided to watch a movie - one of less than five movies I've watched recreationally since the ride started.
Everything was fine and 80's, just as I remembered it, until the huge crime fighting robot showed up. Then I felt this deep fear bubble up to my chest, a fear I haven't felt in a while.
I knew what was going to happen next, I'd seen it many times. The robot mutilates the demonstrator with a fully automatic machine gun because of faulty programing; it was just following orders.
What I didn't anticipate was a spike in my heart rate and the overwhelming desire to leave the room. It took a lot of focus to sit there and force myself through what seemed like 10-15 seconds of someone being blown apart.
My heart was racing afterwards and eventually slowed. The ultra-violence continued throughout the movie and eventually we all started laughing at it; it was absurd.
The movie finally ended at three in the morning and I instantly fell asleep. The next day I constantly replayed Robocop and my reactions over and over in my head, trying to unravel the situation. I was amazed that as a child I watched this repeatedly without fully understanding the events. This reminded me of a young man that went to war repeatedly, just as ignorant as the child.
The most alarming thing to surface was the laughing. Once i made it past the first violent scene, everything was a little easier to watch - I had been desensitized.
My heart didn't race and I didn't feel the urge to leave. It turned into an absurd, borderline prophetic vision of the modern day - without the robotic technology, yet the robots are present. There was a commercial in the movie for a futuristic game of battleship, but played with nukes and the kid playing the game with his family spoke of fighting on the Pakistan border. This movie was made in 1987.
I often observed and participated in this behavior while serving in the military. We would laugh at terrible things to hide our pain, so we could call each other men.
As I reflected on my actions and feelings from the movie, I initially felt unmanly because of my visceral reaction to violence. I was almost in tears thinking about the boy inside of me watching this repeatedly, knowing what I know now.
That shame is the old cultural programing and it didn't take long for this to surface. I was reminded of the training that lead me to join the military, the cultural training that began before I volunteered for it.
Although it feels like Robocop has been haunting me, it's a very important reminder to myself: I have changed. I love the fact that this movie has effected me so deeply. On a personal level, it illustrates how real the healing process is, even though it usually goes unnoticed by the individual.
This is a solid reminder of how life isn't about constantly moving forward. Sometimes we have to take a couple of steps back to understand where we stand.
I must have watched Robocop over twenty times as a kid and the memories were nothing but cool. Well, we finished up a lively event the other night and were wide awake when we got back to the house, so we decided to watch a movie - one of less than five movies I've watched recreationally since the ride started.
Everything was fine and 80's, just as I remembered it, until the huge crime fighting robot showed up. Then I felt this deep fear bubble up to my chest, a fear I haven't felt in a while.
I knew what was going to happen next, I'd seen it many times. The robot mutilates the demonstrator with a fully automatic machine gun because of faulty programing; it was just following orders.
What I didn't anticipate was a spike in my heart rate and the overwhelming desire to leave the room. It took a lot of focus to sit there and force myself through what seemed like 10-15 seconds of someone being blown apart.
My heart was racing afterwards and eventually slowed. The ultra-violence continued throughout the movie and eventually we all started laughing at it; it was absurd.
The movie finally ended at three in the morning and I instantly fell asleep. The next day I constantly replayed Robocop and my reactions over and over in my head, trying to unravel the situation. I was amazed that as a child I watched this repeatedly without fully understanding the events. This reminded me of a young man that went to war repeatedly, just as ignorant as the child.
The most alarming thing to surface was the laughing. Once i made it past the first violent scene, everything was a little easier to watch - I had been desensitized.
My heart didn't race and I didn't feel the urge to leave. It turned into an absurd, borderline prophetic vision of the modern day - without the robotic technology, yet the robots are present. There was a commercial in the movie for a futuristic game of battleship, but played with nukes and the kid playing the game with his family spoke of fighting on the Pakistan border. This movie was made in 1987.
I often observed and participated in this behavior while serving in the military. We would laugh at terrible things to hide our pain, so we could call each other men.
As I reflected on my actions and feelings from the movie, I initially felt unmanly because of my visceral reaction to violence. I was almost in tears thinking about the boy inside of me watching this repeatedly, knowing what I know now.
That shame is the old cultural programing and it didn't take long for this to surface. I was reminded of the training that lead me to join the military, the cultural training that began before I volunteered for it.
Although it feels like Robocop has been haunting me, it's a very important reminder to myself: I have changed. I love the fact that this movie has effected me so deeply. On a personal level, it illustrates how real the healing process is, even though it usually goes unnoticed by the individual.
This is a solid reminder of how life isn't about constantly moving forward. Sometimes we have to take a couple of steps back to understand where we stand.
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